DEAR God,

I am writing to complain about one of your so-called creations. I refer to the human male body. I have been the owner of said product for 50 years and, to be fair, it has performed well.

I understand that your creations do not come with warranties but I must say I have noticed what can only be described as design faults that have emerged in recent years. I don't want to get a reputation as a whinger but if someone doesn't complain then things won't improve.

The facts are these. After 35 years the vision fails. The audio packs it in soon after. And as for the hair, is this some sort of cruel joke? You leave just enough there to affect reproduction, and then you whip it away. Where does it go and why do you need it?

There is also an issue with operating efficiencies. After 45 years the fat-burning regulator goes bung. The knee joints simply do not work after 50 and I have it on good authority that after 60 the hips wear out.

This is like buying a fancy piece of technology that performs well initially but is designed with built-in obsolescence. I do understand that some creators might cut corners but, frankly, I did expect better from God.

And so, without wishing to invoke Your wrath, I present my complaint in good faith (no pun intended). We all make mistakes, so I feel when You created Adam all those years ago you might have momentarily taken your eye off the ball.

I can see that it would be very difficult to retro-fit a flawed creation, so what I propose by way of compensation is an extension to the life span. Add another decade to the three score and 10 I think I'm entitled to and we'll call it even. Many thanks, and I wish You well in your future creations.

Yours sincerely,
Bernard Salt

Dear Bernard,

Thank you for your suggestion as to how I might atone for design flaws in one of my creations. The fact is, Mr Salt, the creation you inhabit was designed a million years ago. I like to design a prototype, fling it into the market, let evolution take it from there and see how it goes. If it's working, I let it evolve. If not, I wipe it out and start on another project. Initially I focused on reptiles, but then I got interested in mammals. You cannot afford to stand still in the creation business.

However, my design brief for the human male body was that it should perform well for the time it takes to reproduce plus a decade or so to nurture the next generation to puberty.

I had no complaints about performance in the early years. And the reason is that until recently human male bodies ceased to exist at about the 35-year mark. No one at that time complained about failing vision, audio and fat burners. No one at that time had dicky knees or hips. And the reason is simple: they dropped dead before these faults had time to surface.

I gather you are not interested in death as a solution, Mr Salt? Let me assure you it can be arranged. I might add that in the early years no one complained about "plumbing issues". (I know you didn't put that in your letter but, me being God and all, I know what you're thinking.)

And so the simple fact is this: you are pushing my product years beyond its use-by date. And, frankly, I am surprised at how well it's holding up (no pun intended). Far from being embarrassed about the purported non-performance of the human male body I am proud to say that yet another of my creations is performing admirably.

I will be providing no guarantee about future longevity and, although I am not an especially vengeful God, I will say that I have no idea what's in store for you. In the meantime I suggest you treat my creation with care, service it regularly and, with any luck, you could get years of service out of it yet. Then again, you might not.

Kind regards,
God