1) SCOTTISH WEDDING

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living?"
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

2) SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

3) Poor Lance Armstrong –

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour...

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2009 For his birthday, little Max asked for a 10-speed bicycle.  His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is   $ 280,000 and your mother just lost her job.. There's no way we can afford it.'   The next day the father saw little Max heading out the front door with a suitcase So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'  Little Max told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.   Then ...

*A wife decides to take her husband Dave to a strip club for his birthday.*

*They arrive at the club and the doorman says, 'Hey, Dave! How you doing?"*

*His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.*

*"Oh no," says Dave "He's on my bowling team."*

*When they are seated,a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual drink and brings over a Budweiser*

*His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,How did she know that you drink Budweiser?*

*She's in the Ladies Bowling Lengum...

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. 

So, he bought a plane ticket and took the 1st stop to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from North to South.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read.

'$10,000 per call'.  

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. 

The pri...

An Indian go 2 a prostitute & say I pay u double if

u do it INDIAN STYLE, pros agreed. 

After have sex, she ask what is INDIAN STYLE?

He said payment after 90 days!

The gov't has announced that effective today,

all women & children be quarantine at home while

the men are allowed to enjoy outside due to the

outbreak of SARS (Songs, Alcohol,Romance & Sex)

Confucius said :

If Adam n Eve were Chinese, we would still

be in Paradise ...coz they would have eaten

the snake instead of...

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day.

Both go before an angel to find out if  they’ll be admitted to heaven. 

Unfortunately, there’s only one space left on that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. 

The angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven. 

Dolly takes off her top and says, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created,and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day ...

Another good, witty and hilarious joke which I just had to share! ?

An Indian Doctor  was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work.

As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang._*

*_The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the

other end of the line._*

*_"We have already opened an aged 18 year old RARE  SINGLE MALT

GLENFIDDICH  WHISKEY.._*

*_"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor._*

*_As he was moving out, his wife...

Absolutely Brilliant ...

Ordering a Pizza in 2022

CALLER:

    Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:    

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:  

I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:  

No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:  

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:  

Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, saus...

Laugh at the difference between men and women

There was a group of adults who were taking Computer Science course at

a Community College.

And after a few weeks of classes the Professor decided to have some fun one day

as a little learning activity.

And he divided them into by their sex and put the men on one side of the room and the women on the other side of the room.

And he said, “ I want you all to do a project in the next ten minutes and I just want you to determine what ‘Gen...

P/S :   If symptoms persist please consult doctor..

GOD'S PLAN FOR AGING

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good

Then God considered the function of bla...

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

 Again, she tried to make the step only...

_An engineer was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle._

_Suddenly he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop. He went to him & said.. "Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back"...So why do I get such a small salary? and u get huge sums_....! 

_The doctor smiled at the engineer and came close to his ear and said.... "Try the same when the engine is running_."

 *Classic!*

_Continuation

_The engineer smiled back came close to doctors...

A Singaporean left his job in Singapore and joined as a salesman in a big

departmental store in Australia.

On the first day, the Singaporean worked with full vigour.

At 6 pm:

Boss :- How much of sales did you do on the first day?

Singaporean: Sir, I attended to 1 Sale.

Boss : just Only 1 sale the whole day? Usually every salesman here does

20 to 30 Sale transactions a day. Well, tell me what is the money value

of your today's one sale?

Singaporean: $93300 dollars.

Boss : What! Unbe...

*A wife decides to take her husband Dave to a strip club for his birthday.*

*They arrive at the club and the doorman says, 'Hey, Dave! How you doing?"*

*His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.*

*"Oh no," says Dave "He's on my bowling team."*

*When they are seated,a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual drink and brings over a Budweiser*

*His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,How did she know that you drink Budweiser?*

*She's in the Ladies Bo...

GOA RADIO ORGANISED 

COMPETITION  FOR POEMS, IN WHICH 

THE FIRST LINE MUST BE ROMANTIC, 

BUT THE SECOND LINE SHOULD BE THE OPPOSITE

........AND SO ON....

This was the winning entry sent by Joao Caitan :-

_Marrying you messed up my life._

_I see your face when I am dreaming,_

_That's why I always wake up screaming._

_Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;_

_This describes everything you are not._

_I love your smile, your face and your eyes,_

 A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university :

 _" I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do *not* owe me anything for that.     However, I want you to show appreciation for it    . . . "_

_As a token, please each of You put $1,000 into my coffin when I die "_

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially   . . .

When their father's time had come and they were...

BREAKING NEWS:

Bill Gates resigns as 

Chairman of Microsoft after receiving the following letter from an African Man ..

I haf some kweshin to ask:

Namba Wan - The keyboard alphabets are not in order, when will you launch the correct version?

Namba Too - There is a 'Start' button but no 'Stop' button, where is it?

Namba Tree - I have already learned Microsoft Word, when will you launch Microsoft Sentence?

Namba Por - There is a recycle bin but... There is no one who comes t...

Husband borrowed Rs 250 from wife.

After a few days he again borrowed Rs 250

Seeing some money in husband’s purse ,she asked husband to return the money.

When asked how much, wife said that he owes her Rs 4100.

On request, below is working given by wife : 

1)   Rs       2    5    0

2)   Rs       2    5    0

Total         4  10    0

Husband is still finding the school where she learned Maths.

Later husband gave her Rs 400 back and asked how much balance he has to pay ...

A pilot was told to transfer mad people from Nigeria to USA.  He agreed and

carried them in his plane. The whole plane was so noisy.

Later one of the mad men approached the pilot in cockpit and asked him,

“Please can you teach me how to fly the aeroplane ?”

The pilot replied, “I will teach you how to fly if you will tell your friends

To stop making noise.”

The mad man went back inside the cabin.  After some minute, the whole plane

was silent.

Some minutes later, the mad...

1. Wife : Shall I prepare curry or soup today ?

Husband : First make it, we will name it later.

2. A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife.. please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

3. A married man’s prayer :  Dear God, you give me childhood, you took it away. You gave me youth, you took it away. You gave me a wife… it’s been years now, just reminding You.

4. A man brings his best bu...

Lesson 1 of 5

A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out when the doorbell rings.

She quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

She opens the door to Fred, the next door neighbor.  Before she says a word, Fred says ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, she drops it and stands naked in front of Fred.

After a few seconds, Fred hands her $800 and leaves.  Wrapping herself in towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband a...

During lockdown daily life.

1. Half of us are going to come out from quarantine as amazing cooks.  The other half with a drinking problem.

2.  I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on the wheel of fortune, now I turn it like 

     I’m cracking a safe,

3. I need to practice social distancing with the refrigerator not 3 metres but at arm’s

length.

4. Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they still fit. Pajamas will

Have you...

Just seen a news report  about the stresses and strains of self isolation.

It reported that people are going crazy from being in lock down !

“It was strange, actually, because I had just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she always has to put a different spin on everything and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.

In the end the ir...

A few good Senior Moments

1. An elderly gentleman… Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”  The gentleman replied, “ Oh, I haven’t t...

When  Two Presidents  Speak

North Korea President announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years !

A reporter said “ But the sun is very hot.  Howe can your man land on the sun ?”

There was stunned silence.  Nobody knew how to react.

Then North Korea President quietly answered “ We will land at night.”

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause!

Back in the White House, The President of  USA  and his entou...

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to the Mental Hospital.
He discovered a flat tire when he was about to leave.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tire off.
When he was about to replace the flat tire with the spare tire, he accidentally dropped all the nuts into a storm drain. Realizing he can't fish the nuts out, he starts to panic.

A patient walking by asks him what happened. The driver told him his problem.

And the patient said "Can't even fix such a simple problem... no...

*Age matters! 

*A group of old friends, all aged about 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch for their reunion.*

*Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.*

*Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.*

*Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.*

*Te...

Anti – Tetanus Shot

The old man in his mid eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting his coat on.

His wife seeing his unexpected behaviour asks, “ And where do you tink you are going ?”

He replies, “ I’m off to the doctor.”

She says, “Why,  are you sick ?”

He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of the Viagra stuff.”

Hearing this the wife starts struggling to get out of her rocker, she then slowly goes to the cupboard and st...

Political Thinking

Once a corrupt minister and his deputy went to inspect a school and a prison.

The school was in a poor state with no furniture, dilapidated building etc.  The Principal requested $500,000 to help to improve conditions.

Next they visited a prison.  There too conditions were pathetic and the warden demanded $5M to improve conditions of the cells.

Both came back and the minister wrote a cheque for $5M to improve the jail.

Perplexed by the minister’s decis...

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 82).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.  I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.  The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours : green, red, orange and blue.  His clothes were equally colourful : bright blue pants, electric green shirt, yellow belt.. and I think there was eye makeup involved too.

My dad kept staring at him.  The teenager would look and find him star...

Angry with someone ??
Think before you talk..

If the person is Junior to you ..
Count up to  10 and then talk.

If the person is Equal to you ..
Count up to  30 and then talk.

If the person is Senior to you ..
Count up to  50 and then talk.

If the person is Your Wife  …
Keep counting don’t talk.

If the person is Your Husband  …

Keep talking don’t count ..

Joe's wife comes in with a brand new bag, looked expensive.

Joe: "Honey I see you got a new Gucci bag, where'd you get it?"

Wife: "My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings."

The next day, the wife comes home with new, fancy sunglasses.

Joe: "Wow those are elegant sunglasses you have on today. Where did you get them?"

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. T...

ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position .




IRISH WOMEN: 

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 


ITALIAN WOMEN: 

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents a...

Last night after having a drink too many, Dick left the party quitely and left his car behind because he knew drunk driving was dangerous. He took a taxi.

From the party his friends phoned him and ask 'where have you gone?' He replied that having drank a bit too much he left his car behind and  took a taxi home.

His friends, 'which house did you go? Where are you now, the party was at your home?' 

J  A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman,
“Which book has helped you most in your life?”
She replied, “My husband’s cheques book.

J  A prospective husband in a book-store enquired, 
“Do you have a book called, "Husband – the Master of the House"?              
The sales-girl promptly replied,  “Yes sir, 'Fiction' and 'Humour' are on the 1st floor.”

J  The husband said to his wife, "Today is a fine day!"
The next day he said, "Today is a fine day!"
Again...

Subject: Interpretation of what should be

Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged

Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?

(This is called "Positive Thinking" )

Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.

Doc :- How come???

Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet... 

(Now this is called "Positive Attitude" )

A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether...

Subject: What food causes most suffering for years after eating it.
To: 

 Tan Jit Meng New Zealand: 

At a  Health Talk / Forum 

​ ​

 the speaker asked, 

"What food causes the most suffering for years after eating it?"

After a long silence , an old man in the audience answered "...wedding cake!"

 The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. 
        The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey 
        that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
        The local paper read: 

        PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. 
        The Bishop was so upset with this kind of 
        publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter  the donkey in another race. 

        The next day the local paper headline read:

        BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
         
        This was too m...

Note :  Please fight for women’s rights ....  not men’s rights !!

Subject: A little fun economics...

A little fun economics to lighten up your day ....

Wife to her Accountant husband: 

what is inflation?

Husband: 

Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are

48-40-48. 

Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. 

This is INFLATION .

Economics is not that difficult if we have the right examples.

Interviewer: What is Recession? 

Candidate: When "Wine...

PM: Jane: History revisited!@#$😄
 
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History. 
 
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
 
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
 
"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
 
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
 
"Excelle...

_1. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?_

*Stress is when wife is pregnant;*

*Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant;*

_*Panic is when both are pregnant!*_

_2. Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?_

*Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away!*

_3.  A young boy asks his Dad: "What is the difference between confident and confidential?_

*Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confide...

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later…

I don’t have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

And I don’t have acne.

Life is great.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.

Subject: Muthu's fish head curry...

For those who are familiar with Muthu's Fish Head Curry Resturant ... Last Friday, I took a customer there for dinner....

I noticed that the Indian waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I looked around and saw all the Indian waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?" 

He explained, "The Boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the s...

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy', the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says, 'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?'

'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young l...

Hilarious, Not a single bad word used.*

Enjoy this dialogue with double entendre...

*9 pounds of gold*

A husband and wife were very happy over the nine pound baby boy that
was born to them.

Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of
a famous newspaper and reported that he had become the proud owner of
*a nine pound nugget of gold.* The editor upon hearing seemingly
extraordinary news, sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.

When the reporter came, Mr. Bro...

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be THE Man in Your House".

He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on I’m running this show, and my word will be law. You’ll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating it, you’ll serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner you’re going upstairs with me, and we’ll have any kind of sex that I choose!

Afterwards, you’re going to run me a relaxing bath. You’ll wash m...

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
     
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." 
 
The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'"


The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She di...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. 

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks: "What does two plus two equal?" 

The mathematician replies: "Four." 

The interviewer asks: "Four, exactly?" 

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says: "Yes, four, exactly." 

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question. 

"What does two plus two equal?" 

The accountant says: "On average, four - give or take ten ...

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" 
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. 
"Will you use it to gamble?" 

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." 
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" 
"Are y...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. 

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. 

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secre...

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. 

"God", he said, "How long is a million years?" 

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." 

The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" 

God answered, "To Me, it's a dime." 

The man then asked, "God, can I have a dime?" 

"In a minute."

This is the story of a young college student flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heartattack and dies.

She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the gro...

One of us old guys   goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says, "99". The doctor says,"G...

IF YOU READ THIS YOU WILL SHARE IT FOR SURE..

A devout Arab Muslim got into a  cab in London. He curtly asked the
cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious
teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the
prophet there was no music, especially Western music, which is the
music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and
opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing????

The cabbie answered, "In ...

Equal Opportunity

A man went to a Wellington Terrace Specialist having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant.  Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details. She retrieved the file and Read to him:  "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their pri...

1. "If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel"

2. "Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of website. You understand Nothing, still you agree..."

3. "Chess is the only game in the world, which reflects the status of the husband. The poor King can take only one step at a time...While the mighty Queen can do whatever she likes."

4. "All men are brave. Horror movies don't scare them...But 2 missed ...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...  The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.  When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"  And that's how the fight started.....  ________________________________  My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'  'No,' she answered.  I then said,'Is that your final answer?'  She didn't...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed ...

A SPAGHETTI LOVE STORY

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how ...

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They 
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved read...

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" 

 

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my  room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." 

 

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter." 

 

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and  that's a maintenance matter."

NO ONE EVER CAN WIN WITH A WOMAN...

This is Excellent!

Husband decided to do yoga. 
As he was getting ready,
the wife wakes up and opened her eyes.
So the husband asked her-

"Honey would you like to join me for Yoga?"
Wife: "Do you mean to say I am fat?"
Husband: "No no. If you don't want to get up, it's OK."
Wife: "So now you think I am lazy, ha?"

Husband: "No. You are misunderstanding me. I didn't mean...."
Wife: "Aha! So I don't understand you, right?"
Husband: "Now look I didn't say t...

Subject: Golf Panties....

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' 

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..' 


Next, the Irishman's wife b...

A bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!"  the bloke said.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he said,
"I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my
face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them...

Love

A teacher asks a student:

"What kind of woman would you like to be with when you're all grown up?"

"A woman like the moon!" Answers the kid.

"That's beautiful," breathes the teacher, "what a choice! Because you'd like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?"

"No,  I'd like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!"

Death

After bob died, everyone gathered at his funeral. Then the minister started to speak: "He was a model husband, a decent man, a terrifi...

This is such a touching story, I thought you would enjoy it.

 

Back on May 9th, a group of  Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on Interstate 74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the  Murray Baker Bridge.  So they stopped.

 

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

 

She says tearfully, "I'm going...

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash ...

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first

Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following

Sunday he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
They asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
Talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
To talk...

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
 
 
Getting There: 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore.

Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.                                                     

You will know that you are getting ...

I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. 
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two  days.” 
I  told him, “I wish, I had your will power!” 


I took my biology exam last Friday. 
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. 
Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct  answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.
She said, “Sorry  about the wait....

Subject: BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites! 

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
  
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
  
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WE...

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it...

The Post Office

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. 

Next Sunday...

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was ...

1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.

A very tall man walks into a bar and a blonde lady recognizes him as an International Rugby player.

They start to talk, and eventually go h om e to his place. 
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg,

he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's t...

The following will probably amaze and startle you.   

 One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study: 

Lack of  water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 
 
Preliminary research indicates that  8-10 glasses of water a daycould significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 

A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basi...

My wife and I went to the Royal Agriculture Winter Fair in Toronto and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'   We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'    My wife gave me a w...

Wife wish 2 be a newspaper

  Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.

  Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Can I make a call to my wife?

  A man in Hell asked Devil:

  Can I make a call to my Wife?

  After making call he asked how much to pay.

  Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Husband, wife & spare tyre

  HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres ...

A man ordered a voice automated robot car that did anything he told it to do correctly without any error. 

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes. 

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick their 3 children from school as she was very tired. 

The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my children from school." 

When the car didn't return in time as expected, they knew some...

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
 
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
 
 
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
 
 
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther!...

Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.


After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow!


The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton's private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a g...

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to
show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the
last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new
hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new
nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You ...

One Malaysia!

An Indian, a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible
car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency
room, but all of them died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the

Chinese, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the

doctors and nurses present, asked him what happened.

 "Well," said the Chinese, "I

remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light,
and then the Indian and the Malay and I were standing at the
gates of heaven. An Angel ...

MALAYSIAN ASTRONAUTS

American Spaceman is called Astronaut 
Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut 
Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut 
Malaysian Spaceman??? - Can-or-naut

Dr. M was thinking about sending somebody into
space.

Three potential can-or-nauts were called for an
interview.

An Indian, a Malay and a Chinese. 
Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu,
this is a dangerous mission. How much do you think you
should be paid?"

Muthu replied: "One million ringgit."
"Why so m...

The banker saw his old  friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year  or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being  a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
 
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom  the age of his new bride to be.


Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'  Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual  appetite of a young woman could not be...

Man:   God? 
God:   Yes? 
Man:  Can I ask you something? 
God:   Of course! 
Man:   What's a million years for you? 
God:  A second. 
Man:   And a million  dollars? 
God:   A penny. 
Man:   God, Could I have a penny? 

 God:   Wait for a second.

Two Christians in the Desert 

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert.  One is David, the other is Michael.  They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate of a mosque in the middle.

David said to Michael:  Look, let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself Mohammed.

Michael refused to change his name, he said:  My name is Michael and I will not pretend to be o...

The Polite Way to Pee

 During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
 
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
 
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
 
The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.
 
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
 
Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to ...

Old Fart Football


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.' 

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' 

The old man replied, 'its fart football.' 

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, scores tied”....' 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.' 

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 
'2- 2, scores tied.' 

Five seconds g...

Irish doctor’s apprentice

  A doctor in Dublin, feeling overworked, wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

 "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

 "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

 The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

 Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a hea...

Flat Stomach  A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom  sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..  The son sees his mom and asks, 'What Wwere you and Dad doing?'  The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'  'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.  'Why is that?' the mom asked puzz...

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS  'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'   'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'  ___________________________________________   A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'  'Me neither doc...

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
 
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. 
 
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" 
 
He replied, "They had avocados."
 
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! 
 
Men will get it the first time. 
 
My work is done here.   
 
------------------------------------------------------   
 
Water in the carburetor 
 
WIFE: "The...

A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he took her to the hospital, and she had a baby. 

The nurse said to the man: ‘At your age, how do you do that?’ 
The man answered: ‘You just have to keep the motor running’. 
Another year passes, and the man took her to the hospital, another baby. 

The same nurse said to the man and asked: ‘You are something man, how do you do that?’. 

He said: ‘I told you that you just have to keep the motor running’. 
Another yea...

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began shouting greetings to her: "Hello! How are you?! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to sp...

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack  suggests they go in.  Jack addresses the man behind the counter:  "Are you the owner?"  The pharmacist answers, "Yes."  Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"  Pharmacist: "Of course we do."  Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"  Pharmaci...

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain

Who inspected his sailors, and afterwards told the first mate that his men smelled bad...

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the  sailors berth deck and announced,

"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you 
to change your underwear."

He continued, 
"Pittman, you change with Jones, 
M...

1 
He said to me .. . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you? 

2
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart 

3
He said to me. . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

4
He said to me. . Why is it difficult...